Please, Watch Your Language! This is a Decent Sort of Neighborhood!

Today while pruning shrubs and perennials in my yard, I was violently aggressed by a stick bug. I was raking up all the mess from my pruning and noted a stick that was moving! He didn't say much but his body language made his feelings clear! If body language could translate to verbal language, it was pretty profane. I actually tried to rake around him for a minute or two. He jumped backwards, darted an inch or to toward me, jumped sideways, and waved his body menacingly (actually, a bit like a drunken stick bug might, if I'd ever seen one drunk). In the past, having been nipped by a praying mantis while pruning, I gave him a bit of a berth but was amused by his antics. I kept letting him climb on the rake to move him so I could rake the areas where he was standing his ground. Finally, I picked him up with my gloves and set him on a juniper shrub so I could finish tidying up the area. He continued to berate me from on high. What a paper tiger! I am: She-Ra of the Yard.

Oh My.

I received this today via email and, although I know I should feel bad (I do), I can't stop laughing at the presentation mixed with the story.

Wishes

I don't usually find really negative things funny, but this one slays me. It's pretty dry.

Mortality Toll: Zero

Today was a pretty awful day - on many levels. The adrenaline spent on today was waaaay over the daily allowance; in fact, it was more like 3 months' allowance! The best thing I can pull out of all of this is that I didn't kill anyone. My will power is amazing! I am... Self-Restraint Girl. You'd know that if you could see my cape.

This Made Me Laugh Very Unattractively!

Thank GOD there were no witnesses to my laughing-shame!

Poodle Man

I was driving with my kids the other day and drove past a guy walking his two tiny, groomed-to-the-nth-degree poodles. The thing is, I SO wish I had a photo of this guy with his little dogs! Picture this: he is a 6'+ tall, stocky, tough-looking, bad-ass kind of guy - walking two little, cutely-pruned miniature poodles; on cute leashes, no less! You might think, "Are you making FUN of this guy?" Honestly, I'm not! I was charmed and then some! All I could think was what a bad-ass everyone must think this guy is and then he goes home to Pépé and Raoul and loves them unconditionally. I want this guy as my friend!

The Nosey, Furry, Pollen-laden Visitor

As I've mentioned previously, I adore bees: bumble, mason, honey, etc. Not wasps - just bees. This last Sunday, August 2, I was watering my annuals on the front porch and I noticed a large bumblebee fly-amble its way over to me. I watched, pleased, as he came toward me because usually they just hover and check me out. As my shirt was a bright aqua blue, Mr. Bee decided to light on my shirt. I was initially charmed as he walked around on a brief quest to see if this was the gigantic flower of his dreams. It occurred to me a tad belatedly: What do bees do when they light on a flower? They go deep into the flower to find the nectar. This little guy made a bee-line, literally and figuratively speaking, straight for the v-neck of the t-shirt. My delight turned in one nano-second to amused concern.

I’m always perversely aware of the humor in these kinds of situations even as they are occurring and even when I don’t end up well. I haven’t been stung by a bee since I stepped on one in my front yard as a child. I imagined, rather rapidly, that even a mild-mannered bumblebee might cause something of a panic after climbing into one’s cleavage. I quickly pictured my ensuing idiocy to try to get him out without being stung. The only option I would have would be to tear my shirt off right on my front porch, in full view of many of my neighbors’ homes – on a Sunday – with everyone AND their dogs in their yards. My v-neck is only about 5” below my chin. So, I tried to blow Mr. Bee further south on my shirt, away from my neckline, but he was persistent. I quickly tore a leaf off a perennial and scooped him up and put him on a plant. He gave me a patient bee look that suggested “Geez Louise, you goof ball, give me the benefit of the doubt next time.” Ummm. Love those bees, but not down the front of my shirt.

So Easily Amused

Wow! I rang my own doorbell yesterday. As usual, when I press and let go quickly, it makes the generic 'ding dong' sound. I found that if, however, I press, hold, and then let go, there's a nice long pause in between the 'ding' and the 'dong'. If I press and release rapidly, I can get (you guessed it) a series of rapid 'ding dong' sounds. So, understandably, if you then press and release in a mixture of all the various ways mentioned above, you get a very musical doorbell effect. Our previous house's doorbell was not capable of this fun behavior. I am very pleased with my new entertaining find. I also smiled and cracked up on and off all day remembering how I must have looked at my own front door, pressing the doorbell repeated, with varying speeds, smiling like a four-year-old who just opened a really big birthday gift. After the fact, I was consciously aware (and extremely amused that I even had to have this conscious thought) that I was grateful for my trellis and Autumn Clematis vine blocking the view from the east. Lord help me.

Some girls need diamonds to keep them happy; not me. I think I smiled over my new find for a good part of the day, acutely aware that anyone I might share this with might make an observation on the state of my mental or intellectual health. The simple things in life slay me.