As I felt like crap this morning and couldn't sleep due to my cough and delightful chest pain, I got up at the crack of dawn (it is SO not me to be up this early by choice) and stepped outside into the already disgustingly hot weather. I sat on my front porch which is shaded only at this time of the morning. The humidity felt wonderful on my lungs, so I sweated my system clean because my lungs felt better. I normally hate heat and humidity. I sat silently and watched and listened to the bumblebees visiting all the flowers that surround the porch and on all the flowers in pots all around me. My flower gardens cover an area of about 7'x15' on one side and immediately in front of the porch. I was probably 2' from the bee-laden perennials. Bumblebees hum at different pitches and they sound like tiny, high-pitched Drepung monks. It was absolute wonderful. To say I have an affection for bees would be a huge understatement; it's more like a very girly, wide-eyed, absurd adoration. Not wasps though, just bees. If you have flower gardens, you have bees. And they never sting me, even when I touch them. Did I mention I loves bees?
Friday, June 26, 2009
Bee Balm
As I felt like crap this morning and couldn't sleep due to my cough and delightful chest pain, I got up at the crack of dawn (it is SO not me to be up this early by choice) and stepped outside into the already disgustingly hot weather. I sat on my front porch which is shaded only at this time of the morning. The humidity felt wonderful on my lungs, so I sweated my system clean because my lungs felt better. I normally hate heat and humidity. I sat silently and watched and listened to the bumblebees visiting all the flowers that surround the porch and on all the flowers in pots all around me. My flower gardens cover an area of about 7'x15' on one side and immediately in front of the porch. I was probably 2' from the bee-laden perennials. Bumblebees hum at different pitches and they sound like tiny, high-pitched Drepung monks. It was absolute wonderful. To say I have an affection for bees would be a huge understatement; it's more like a very girly, wide-eyed, absurd adoration. Not wasps though, just bees. If you have flower gardens, you have bees. And they never sting me, even when I touch them. Did I mention I loves bees?
Dear Deer
This evening, right after dinner, a doe was wandering our backyard and the edge of our woods. She was grazing. She comes nearly every day. I love watching her. She's so wonderful.
P-neumonia
We had sushi with Shannon and Lou last Friday night. Afterward, we went to their house to hang out because they had to pick their kids up from the evening daycare at the Y. Their eldest son, Matt, who had stayed home because he's 13 and had just returned from a week at a Boy Scout camp, seemed to be hacking his head off and I thought, "Ahhh, I'll be fine. My immune system is impervious AND it's summer." So, today I'm on Zithromax and I am thanking God for it. Pneumonia enjoys an exaggerated status as a near-deadly, heinous illness. Bronchitis, pleurisy, strep, intestinal & stomach stuff beat it hands down. It sucks but, thanks to modern-day drugs, it's not the killer it used to be. I'll be better soon. Hey, it’s an excuse to slow down and take it easy, which I can do since my kids are older. Yay, chick flicks tonight!
Monday, June 8, 2009
James Francis
My dad was here last week visiting from Florida. He’s a very Type A guy and tends to be rather brusque. Neither of my parents are parental types. You don’t go to them for help or when you’re sad. Years ago I learned that people are who they are whether you need more from them or not. I had to go through the process in life of ‘housecleaning’ and getting rid of the people in my life who took but never gave: the people who drained me emotionally and psychologically. I didn’t actively ‘fire’ them; I slowly stopped being a doormat and I learned to set boundaries and stand by them. That was enough to rid my life of many, many parasitic people. But what to do with family who did/does this? They weren't liking or accepting my boundaries so, realizing that I was the one everyone called for help & support, I stopped being so available, which isn’t natural to me. I learned who was capable of being there for me and who was not. I slowly and painfully learned to no longer allow emotional abuse of any kind. My parents had always leaned on their children and not vice versa. When my dad would call angry or upset, I started asking if he was just upset at something else or angry at me. He always seemed startled and said that he was upset. I told him that he came across as angry at me. He could get nasty when he was upset. I taught him about venting. I told him semi-jokingly that if women didn’t vent, we’d kill all the men around us. I gently asked him to just let me know that he’s upset and needs to vent. He learned to find a lot more humor in his anger.
I stood up for myself in many, many other ways. When he would call angry at one of my siblings for telling him he had done something unfavorable to them during childhood, I stood up for them, very gently telling dad that what they said was true. I was tired of having to pretend that our childhood was okay. It wasn’t. But I also told him that just because these things were true didn’t mean things couldn’t be different now and that admitting to these unkind words could heal relationships. I pointed out that we have no relationship with our alcoholic mother so we all need each other. Basically, I finally stood up to dad, sometimes firmly but most often in a very kind way. I stated that he was not to talk to me certain ways. I did a lot of this in such a manner that family was not aware of how I was changing our relationships. I was just consistent over time.
My relationship with dad will probably never be what I need from him: a true parental relationship, but that doesn’t seem to be an option … sadly. But at this point, he knows he can call me and we’ll laugh like jackasses and vent and, in general, goof off. It fulfills part of what I need in life.
The last time dad visited was two years ago when he was driving south to Florida after driving to Chicago and putting my severely handicapped sister Elizabeth on a plane to live near him in Florida. He had wanted me to be her guardian and I had spent years standing my ground that I did my time taking care of his child instead of having my own childhood. My mom ended up in a nursing home and the 20-Year-Custody War of Elizabeth ended with my brother accepting guardianship because my mother would not hand it over to my dad. Dad told Mike he would do all the work and only the title would be Mike’s. So Dad's visit on his way back to Florida was actually wonderful and relaxing. We all enjoyed it and nobody was upset after he left.
This visit 6/1-4 was the best in my entire life. Dad is happiest if he’s fixing things which my husband never does, so dad and I fixed a butt-load of stuff around the house: installed a new faucet to replace the leaking one; installed wall-mounted speed switches for the ceiling fans; cleaned out the furnace; installed an ice-maker filter on my fridge, etc. He never lost his temper, he seemed calmer than ever, we acted like cretins and idiots, and we talked and reminisced about grandparents and family members. It was really wonderful. I’m sad that it took so much of my life to fully enjoy being with my dad but I’m really glad it is happening at all; at last.
For the first time in my life, I wish I lived near my dad so I can spend time with him. My children were sad to see him go and Alana also said she now wishes we lived near him. It’s a bittersweet feeling, but I’m very, very happy that I am finally at this place in my relationship with him.
I stood up for myself in many, many other ways. When he would call angry at one of my siblings for telling him he had done something unfavorable to them during childhood, I stood up for them, very gently telling dad that what they said was true. I was tired of having to pretend that our childhood was okay. It wasn’t. But I also told him that just because these things were true didn’t mean things couldn’t be different now and that admitting to these unkind words could heal relationships. I pointed out that we have no relationship with our alcoholic mother so we all need each other. Basically, I finally stood up to dad, sometimes firmly but most often in a very kind way. I stated that he was not to talk to me certain ways. I did a lot of this in such a manner that family was not aware of how I was changing our relationships. I was just consistent over time.
My relationship with dad will probably never be what I need from him: a true parental relationship, but that doesn’t seem to be an option … sadly. But at this point, he knows he can call me and we’ll laugh like jackasses and vent and, in general, goof off. It fulfills part of what I need in life.
The last time dad visited was two years ago when he was driving south to Florida after driving to Chicago and putting my severely handicapped sister Elizabeth on a plane to live near him in Florida. He had wanted me to be her guardian and I had spent years standing my ground that I did my time taking care of his child instead of having my own childhood. My mom ended up in a nursing home and the 20-Year-Custody War of Elizabeth ended with my brother accepting guardianship because my mother would not hand it over to my dad. Dad told Mike he would do all the work and only the title would be Mike’s. So Dad's visit on his way back to Florida was actually wonderful and relaxing. We all enjoyed it and nobody was upset after he left.
This visit 6/1-4 was the best in my entire life. Dad is happiest if he’s fixing things which my husband never does, so dad and I fixed a butt-load of stuff around the house: installed a new faucet to replace the leaking one; installed wall-mounted speed switches for the ceiling fans; cleaned out the furnace; installed an ice-maker filter on my fridge, etc. He never lost his temper, he seemed calmer than ever, we acted like cretins and idiots, and we talked and reminisced about grandparents and family members. It was really wonderful. I’m sad that it took so much of my life to fully enjoy being with my dad but I’m really glad it is happening at all; at last.
For the first time in my life, I wish I lived near my dad so I can spend time with him. My children were sad to see him go and Alana also said she now wishes we lived near him. It’s a bittersweet feeling, but I’m very, very happy that I am finally at this place in my relationship with him.
Good Things - From Whenever!
I've been so busy and overwhelmed lately and haven’t had the time or motivation to blog. So I’m going to write about good things whether they happened to me today or not. I mean, the whole point is to focus on these things in life, so I’m going to write about them even if I do it a week or year later! It's critical to pay far more attention to the good in my life than the bad!
Political Quote
I found this online and it slayed me:
"What we need is a rebirth of satire, of dissent, of irreverence, of an uncompromising insistence that phoniness is phony and platitudes are platitudinous." – Arthur Schlesinger Jr.
"What we need is a rebirth of satire, of dissent, of irreverence, of an uncompromising insistence that phoniness is phony and platitudes are platitudinous." – Arthur Schlesinger Jr.
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